I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
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“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Bruh PLEASE
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.