I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
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date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that