I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
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toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Kids: Stay in school.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.