I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
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Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Namaste
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Hitlers gonna hitl
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*