@GianDoh: I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I'm back to square one.
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@chimneyspotter: DR: Are you sexually active? ME: Very DR: Eating donuts alone in your car doesn't count ME: Still yes DR: Neither do croissants ME: Then no
@KeetPotato: [tortoise arguing with his gf] "FINE IM LEAVING" FINE [6 minutes later] are you going or not? "THIS IS AS FAST AS I CAN GO KAREN"
@boring_as_heck: You're a loose cannon, Detective. Hand in your badge. AND your gun. AND your badge that is actually a gun. AND your gun that shoots badges.
@LazyJ044: Me: *Sweeping* Wife: Excuse me Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS Wife: ... Me: That's from lord of Wife: MOVE! Me: *Moves*