I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
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oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Every. Damn. Time.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?