“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
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I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath