“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
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lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
omg leave her alone
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*