@eddiesteadyno: I wasn't dropped as a baby, but I've been making up for it ever since.
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@dorsalstream: ME: My new contacts are here! WIFE: Don't put them all on at once like you did last— ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
@DiamondLou69: My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn't have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
@clindsaysway: Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
@li4mst3w4rt: me: it's too hot *opens window* *in comes 305430 flies, 43866 spiders, 91193 moths, a serial killer, a paedophile and a burglar* (HELP)