I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
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Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]