I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
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Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
some cats are just doing for fun!
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes