Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
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I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.