Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
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This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Me :
All Day At Night
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”