@MrsJekyllsHyde: I wasn't mad. Then you asked me 12 times if I was mad. Well, now I'm mad.
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@Reverend_Scott: And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, "Oh man, you're not gonna believe this."
@NJPsychDoc: Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
@dragonsorbet: An 80's style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
@david8hughes: [runs to the door to greet wife] I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.