If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
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There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap