“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
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Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
If Spider-man鈥檚 powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don鈥檛 want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don鈥檛.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I鈥檓 going through a tunnel
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
ME: What鈥檚 in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn鈥檛 wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn鈥檛 wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What鈥檚 in the bag?
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 馃き
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha