I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
You Might Also Like
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying