I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
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Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Hmm, not sure about this change
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.