I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
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I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Things will get butter, keep churning
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Only Americans understand
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I am a gravy boat captain
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.