I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
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Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Hey! This isn’t my car!
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.