hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
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Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
what it’s like dating me:
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.