@monicaheisey: i watched a bunch of spy movies and developed this extremely accurate FBI floorplan
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@JB4Realz: SON: Daddy, where do tweets come from? DAD: Well, son...when a Desire for Validation and a Character Limit love each other very, very much.
@thentherewasmo: I'm not saying your cat doesn't care about you, I'm saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well
@LindaInDisguise: After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
@ranndrew: [Job Interview] "It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?" *Eats rice with chop sticks* "Holy shit! When can you start?!"