@monicaheisey: i watched a bunch of spy movies and developed this extremely accurate FBI floorplan
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@davedittell: the doctors gnash their teeth and howl through the night, but they dare not breach the lines of my apple orchard
@murrman5: [wife replies to text that I found a genie] dont do a thing im almost home [she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
@Scdavis24: Sometimes I think I'm a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
@MatCro: GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie ME: … G: Only u didn't give it to me M: [nervously adjusting thong] I'm having an affair