I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
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I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow