I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
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*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
it was a valiant fight
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Life hack
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Truth
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Are you ok, human???
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.