I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
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I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I like long walks away from everyone
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Fight
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory