I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
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I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.