I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
You Might Also Like
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I would move hell over six inches for you
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.