I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
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*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men