I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
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Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
How it started: How it’s going:
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”