I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
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Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
are there any atheist mantises?
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.