I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
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*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Boom, boom, ching!
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.