@MikeyHill_: I wear a cape because I'm Super Broke
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@JoParkerBear: MOM: How are you doing? ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing! MOM: Really?! ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
@JeremyBRoberts: Scott Walker is dropping out of the Presidential race. In a nationwide poll of likely voters nearly 98% responded to the news with, "Who?"
@MumsieEsq: When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you're like "where did you find this, I didn't give you any cheese today?"