I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
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DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Just how popey was the pope today?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
#Caturday
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.