I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
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Whoa 😂
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
nobody’s gonna understand
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.