I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
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And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Oh no
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.