If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
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Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.