cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
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Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.