knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
You Might Also Like
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans