@ReelQuinn: I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.
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@StephenBCramer: Nana's house is getting real bad, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.
@ElizaBayne: Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents
@DurtMcHurtt: [meeting girlfriend at the park] Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic! Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let's do this.
@RobWeb79: Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven't tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.