@ReelQuinn: I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.
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@TommyKarate: I hate it when I get my days mixed up and I accidentally take my stupid wife out instead of my girlfriend.
@ConanOBrien: I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.
@max_pad21: I failed my Driver's test. Driving teacher: "What do you do at a red light?" Me: "I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter."
@adamhess1: The girl I just showed off my Fitbit to thought I was really cool until she saw my heart rate increasing with every second she spoke to me