@ReelQuinn: I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.
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@JMNuch23: When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply by 3 and add the number of guys in her phone named Tyler
@TeaPainUSA: Mike Huckabee calls Obama a "pretend Christian", and if anyone's an expert on "pretend Christians", it's Mike Huckabee.
@hazelmotes1: Why does everyone have to point out they adopted their dog? Are they worried that we are suspicious because it doesn't look like them?
@UNTRESOR: The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They're still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.