I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
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Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Me, reading some of your tweets
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Breaking news:
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one