I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
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Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.