@thepunningman: I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
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@Jay_FrickinLynn: Me: Hi Kid: M: Still? It's been a week K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE! M: You didn't die. Calm down.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night. Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do? *falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
@robfee: Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
@Lerky: Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests? Dj: Yes. M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.