I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
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If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.