I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
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Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
This is painfully accurate 😅
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going