@envydatropic: I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I'm not approachable or one of their kind
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@chuuew: BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car! ME:No one'll suspect the google car B:It's literally documenting everything we do
@daemonic3: Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
@Tommytoughstuff: [dinner party] *host clinks glass* "Everyone we're having a baby"! *whispers to other guest* "Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian."
@hythemafia: Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.