I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
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Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….