Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
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Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I already tried new things thanks.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down