Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
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Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
meanwhile over on facebook
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!