I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
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PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
lmao
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
And bowling should be called pinball
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Good morning.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.