I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
You Might Also Like
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
2023 was just a warmup
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?