I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
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Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.