I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
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WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.