As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
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Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard