I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
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Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks