I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
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All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Lmao 🤣
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party