I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Well, that didn’t work.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.