I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
You Might Also Like
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.